Fuck you, 2014. Rock on, 2015.

Late last night I sat down on my bed with a pen and paper, soft music playing in the background, and let my mind wander.
I reflected on the past year, much like I did in my previous blog post- identifying the problems I encountered, and highlighting the good parts. I then proceeded to write it all down. I wrote down the good parts, the bad parts, the parts I’d been repressing, the parts I’d been reliving. Once I was done, I also wrote down what I hoped for in 2015- what I wanted out of the year, out of myself, and what my wishes were for the coming months.
Once I was done writing this letter to myself, I closed the book. I plan on ripping those pages out without looking at them again, sealing them in an envelope and putting it away, not to be looked at again until January 2016, at which point I will repeat this process, but instead looking back on 2015.

I got this idea from my boyfriend’s mother, who writes this letter to herself every year, evaluating her year and planning for the next.
I found it very therapeutic to do this- to write down, by hand, thoughts that I know I won’t read again for a year. It will be interesting to read this letter in a year and see how my hopes panned out- to reflect and see what changed, what didn’t, what I achieved and what I failed in.
This is a practice that I would like to turn into tradition. Something I now do every year in early January, when the Christmas decorations have been boxed away and the last of the chocolate has been consumed.

One thing I wrote a few times in this letter, which I don’t mind sharing here, as I think I’d rather be reminded of this more regularly than just once a year- is that my biggest hope for 2015 is to be happy. I’m guilty of being one of those people who can tend to rely on others for my own contentedness. I’d like to learn to be happy in myself, without the outside influence of others. I’d like to be able to love myself, to trust myself and to be at peace with who I am as a person.
In order to do that, one of the biggest challenges this year for me, will be to identify what makes me tick- to work out what I want out of life, and to start working towards becoming the person I want to be.
I don’t think life is about finding yourself, I think it’s more about creating yourself. And I think I need to start doing that.

So, 2014 is concluded with the sealing of an envelope, and 2015 is started on a blank page. Time to doodle.

Fuck you, 2014. Rock on, 2015.

Blogging in 2014

Well, another year is almost over. And as everyone in the history of ever has pointed out at the end of every year, this one went rather fast. The year certainly did seem to fly by, with the months quickly bleeding into each other and the hours becoming seconds.

But this year has been a big one for me, both emotionally and physically draining, with some of my biggest challenges and achievements yet. This year I completed two dissertations, and therefore my degree, and I graduated from education, and left to my own devices with what is essentially a glorified and very expensive piece of paper. (Pretty scary stuff, I gotta say).
I also moved from my student home into the city of Manchester, and became a business owner. Again, pretty scary stuff.
Although this year has contained some great highlights, it’s had a lot of darkness. And I think that has reflected in my neglecting of this blog.

I looked through my posts from this year and noticed I only wrote 7 blog posts since the beginning of the year (excluding this one), while in 2013 I wrote 17. That, I think, shows the difference between the two years for me. This year has been a real struggle, despite the highlights. It’s been emotional and yet also emotionless, with the year passing in such a blur that now it almost feels as if it never happened.

What I’m hoping for, is that next year will be better. That my mental health will improve, and by extension my physical and emotional health. I want to achieve more and aim higher, and most of all I want to be happier.
2014, for all its triumphs, also had crippling lows; days where I struggled to even find the strength to get out of bed, and sometimes I couldn’t even find that. Overall, I don’t see 2014 as a good year, though I was lucky enough to have met some amazing people, who are now friends for life and made some wonderful memories with them.

2015 is a new start. I’m looking forward to what’s next. And to getting back to posting blog posts more regularly, as well as uploading my photographs more regularly to my Flickr, rather than letting them build up in queues waiting to be published.
Next year should kick-start a new chapter of my life, and I’m hoping for a positive one.

I hope everyone out there had a very Merry Christmas and will have a very Happy New Year, and to those of you who didn’t, or for those who find the festive season difficult, then I hope you stay strong and that you can find some happiness and peace during the coming days and weeks.
Hold in there, you’re not alone, and it will get better. I promise. ❤

My Grandfather.

My grandfather and I, aged about 18 months.

There were so many wonderful things about the man who was my grandfather. His sense of humour (a postcard sent to my father: “The weather is here, wish you were wonderful!”), his height (6’5, and he would behave like an overexcited child if he ever came home having met someone taller), his adoration and dedication to the many dogs he had over the years, and most importantly to me, the fact that I got to call him grandpa. There is so much to the complexity of his character, that in the wake of his passing, I am terrified I shall forget parts of him. So, in aid of my own memory retention, below are some of the things that I never, ever want to risk forgetting about my grandpa.

1. That when my father told him that I was on the way, he exclaimed “but I’m far too young to be a grandpa!”
2. That he would always indulge in my desire to ‘ride the tractor’ (which was actually a sit-down lawn mower) when I went to his house, for many hours on end.
3. That he took me to see my first ever theatre productions, including Cinderella and The Emperor’s Nightingale.
4. The way he pulled me to him on my 6th birthday and whispered that my birthday present was that I would learn to ride horses for as long as I still possessed that desire. He paid for me to learn from that day on, until I was 13, and an expert.
5. The way he would stand with his hands clasped behind his back.
6. That he would always describe his youngest dog as a ‘pest’- and that was how I learnt that word.
7. The grandfather clock he had in his home, that would chime every hour, and he would open up the body to show me the swinging pendulum.
8. The walks he would take me on along the canal with his dogs, and the picnics we’d eat out of the back of his Volvo.
9. The way his eyes sparkled when he smiled.
10. The way he would clatter his cutlery, stick his elbows on the table and smack his lips to make me laugh at the dinner table, and then act like a naughty child when his wife caught him out with a loud and disgusted shout of “JIM!”
11. That he was a champion high-jumper.
12. That he was promoted to Captain in the National Service at an unusually early age, and was an immensely talented Civil Engineer.
13. His Salford accent.
14. That he loved jigsaws.
15. That the only video he had in his house was Disney’s “The Fox and the Hound”, and that I would watch that every time I went to stay.
16. That he would take me to the fair when it came into town and let me ride everything I wanted.
17. That he would allow me to feed the dogs for him, leaving me feeling immensely proud and important.
18. That he tried, unsuccessfully unfortunately, over the years to spark an interest in bird watching for me, as he loved it so much.
19. The way he would always insist on calling me ‘Bun’, my childhood nickname, even into my early twenties.
20. The way he lent down to me on his last birthday, as we were all squashed under a gazebo having a picnic as it poured it down outside, and whispered so only I would hear, “What a daft way to spend my birthday, eh?” and winked.
21. The way his voice sounded the last time I ever spoke to him on the phone. Weak and croaky.
22. That he died on the 2nd October 2014 at the age of 84, with the dawn chorus just starting and the daylight just breaking.
23. That his coffin just seemed far too short for a man of his height. Until I reminded myself just how much he had withered in the months prior to his death.
24. That he was one of the funniest, gentlest and most caring souls anyone could have ever met. And that the church was packed to bursting to send him off, filled with people who all loved him just as much as I did.

I am so devastated to have lost the man who gave me the surname I bear, who helped to raise me, who was the only grandfather I ever knew. It is a small measure of comfort to know that he was adored by so many, and to know that he would have been so immensely happy to see his whole family and all his old friends gathered together to celebrate his life and his impact on ours. I will always miss the man named James “Jim” Harwood Trapp, my grandfather.

The “tractor”. About 4 years old.

Robin Williams.

“You’re only given a little spark of madness, you mustn’t lost it.”

The news of Robin Williams’ death has hit me harder than any other celebrity death ever, I think. I’ve never been so devastated to hear about the death of someone I never met. It’s like the entire world has collectively lost their favourite uncle. 

To hear that he had been struggling with severe depression and the cause of death is a possible suicide is heartbreaking. To know that someone so beloved struggled so much, and so quietly is especially harrowing, to me.
In the words of YouTuber Jack Howard: “The name is immortal, the man was not.”

Hearing this news has hit home quite hard for me. I’ve been struggling with depression myself over the course of this last year and the end of 2013. This week (and oddly, yesterday in particular) have been especially low days. And though I’m not suicidal (far from it) I have been in the past. Knowing that someone else, ANYONE else is going through such horrific feelings is very distressing to me, as I’m sure it is to everyone reading this. 

I was thinking last night about all the other people who could have died last night, who would have been suffering with the same problems, dealing with the same conditions. That made me very sad, to think of all these people, suffering so quietly, and not being remembered. 

If anything comes from this, I hope that it is an increased awareness and understanding of mental illness. Because that’s what depression is; it is an illness. It is not something that can be switched off, or that the sufferer can ‘snap out of’. It is not attention seeking, it is not just having a sad moment. It is a dark, difficult and often dangerous state of mind that requires understanding and treatment, not stigma and prejudice. 

If anyone reading this is struggling, I truly hope that you feel better soon. Here are a few places you can go for help, if you or someone else you know needs it:

Samaritans Suicide Hotline (UK) : 08457 90 90 90
International Suicide Hotlines
Dealing With Depression

Robin, thank you for enriching so many peoples’ childhoods and for making so many people laugh, and thank you for teaching so many kids how to fly. Bangarang. 

“I used to think the worst thing in life was to end up all alone. It’s not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel all alone.”

– Robin Williams, 1951 – 2014. 

 

 

 

Well, it’s been a while…

5 months to be exact!

I’ve certainly been a little rubbish in the upkeep of this blog! I think it became one of those things where it had been so long since I wrote something, that I found it a little too easy to keep putting it off as it had already been so long anyway.

So, sorry about that, dear readers. I will certainly be making a much better effort to be updating this regularly- I miss blogging!

Well, since I last wrote a post, quite a lot has happened! In the time I’ve been gone, I’ve completed my degree, graduated and moved out of my student house and into Manchester. So, in my very weak defence, I have been busy!

I think this post is lacking in some colour, so let’s throw in some photos of the above events. Let’s start with mine and my boyfriend’s graduation!

Dom’s graduation!

My graduation with my nutcase of a sister and brother in law!

My graduation! (This isn’t my ‘final’ professional photo by the way- just one my boyfriend took as I was posing!

So, that was a pretty big thing! A few other big things happened in the time that I’ve not blogged for (turning 22, meeting one of my best friends for the first time in seven years!) but I think I will leave some of that for the next post! (Let’s not dry up all my subjects too quickly!)

Oh, and for anyone who may be wondering, I graduated with a very high 2:1 (as in, a few points from a 1st) in Photography and Creative Writing. 🙂

Well, that’s it for now! Just a quick little update! It’s good to be back!

My Life in Letters: W.

Writing.

It’s the other half of my degree, it’s the thing that kick-started any creativity I’ve ever possessed.

I first starting writing when I was 9 years old. One Saturday morning I was bored while my mum had a lie in. Back then, the internet wasn’t really something a nine year old was interested it, so the computer for me consisted of Paint. And that’s about it.
However, on this particular morning the Word Processor attracted my attention for some reason. 
So I decided there and then that I would write a story. Being a huge Buffy the Vampire Slayer fan even at that age, my first paragraph was essentially regurgitated Whedon script, and as a nine year old thinking it was totally cool and not knowing the word ‘plaigarism’ then. 😉
So, what started as a bored nine year old wanting to pass a few hours, turned into my first novel. Which then spawned a sequel and eventually transformed into a trilogy, which I completed when I was 13. 
These early novels were terribly written, but the plot showed potential. I am currently trying to dig through it to find some gems for the basis of an adult rewrite.

From the second I started writing that first book, I decided (and told anyone who’d listen) that I wanted to be an author when I grew up. 
I continued writing through my teen years, starting a handful of projects that I never saw through to completion, but at least continuing to stretch my writing brain.
When I found the course at Bolton University, I decided it was ideal for me. At that point writing had taken a back seat to photography in terms of a career path, but was still a passion of mine and one I wanted to pursue. The course offered me the chance to study both photography and writing together, which was perfect for me.

Since coming to university I’ve steered more into poetry, as the fiction tutor wasn’t inspiring me to try my best, while my poetry tutor was. Strangely, before coming here I hated poetry. I hated how it was taught, I didn’t like the typical overly dramatised representations of it I’d been exposed to and the archaic language I’d experienced with poets such as Shakespeare- which let’s face it, is all you’re ever really taught in high school. 
Since learning it in university however I’ve fallen in love with it. I’ve built myself a good body of work, and I may even pursue getting it published.

In the meantime my fiction has been put on a back burner, but it’s all still there, and I have several ideas to work on in the future. 

Although my career path has changed course a little, I still want to pursue writing, and I still want to eventually get those books published that I so long ago sat down and started writing, thinking to myself “wow this is awesome, I can do anything I want here!”

Eventually, I want to make that girl’s hopeful dream of “when I grow up I want to be an author” a reality. Until then, poetry me up baby. 🙂

Motivation.

Normally by this point in the year I’m still completely immersed in projects, New Year’s Resolutions and completely overcome with drive and motivation.

This year, for some reason this just isn’t the case. 

I’ve been really struggling to find any motivation to get done the things I know I must. This is my final ever semester at University before I graduate, and the work load is disappointingly light in comparison to last semester.
At the end of last year I put on my first exhibition of my work for that semester- that was a huge module. It consumed my every waking moment. In comparison, the work load for my final term is just not enough to keep me motivated.

I’m someone who loves to be busy, to be out and about all of the time. And yet, within the last few weeks mostly I’ve been watching TV, putting off tasks that would take minimal time and effort and playing video games in my pyjamas. 
I’m sure that the reason for this lack of motivation is down to the workload- for some reason the lack of has induced a sense of non-urgency in me. Last semester I hardly had a free moment to myself. This time around I’m procrastinating the days away without so much as looking at my assignments.
I’m up to date (for the most part) on my workload- it’s not building up or anything. But maybe that’s the problem- I’m doing nothing with my time and yet I’m on top of my work. That to me seems a little wrong and weird. The fact that these are the modules that will determine my graduating grade seems just off to me. 

The good thing about having free time though, is that I’ve starting shooting for myself again. I did my first self portrait in months yesterday and uploaded it, which was good! ( http://www.flickr.com/photos/bryonyharwood/12617987223/ ) 

This is my super excited to be shooting again face from yesterday. 🙂

I think the fact that I am graduating soon is becoming a little difficult to swallow. For the last three years of my life I’ve had my own home, my own time, my own money and my own work to do.

After graduation we will be having to move back in with parents before we can afford our own place. That is something that deeply depresses me. As much as I enjoy the company of those I will be living with, I’m used to my own space and my own way of handling a household now. I don’t want to be in someone else’s home. I want to be in my own.

That is a motivation thought in a way- I want to get a job ASAP and save up enough to move out. But until then, I have to do assignments that feel well below my intellectual level and continue to have not enough of it to keep my time occupied.

Has anyone else gone through something like this? Total lack of inspiration and motivation? Any tips on how to overcome it? 
Anyone who also has been to university- did this happen to you when you were on the brink of finishing? Or was your motivation stronger than ever? Let me know, I’d like to hear from you.

New glasses, though. 🙂

 

Review: Lush’s Solid Perfumes.

I’ve never really paid much attention to Lush’s perfume/make up range. And now that I have? I’m kicking myself for not trying them sooner.

After sampling many of the solid perfumes (meaning, until I ran out of arm space) I accidentally stumbled across one of the loveliest scents I’ve ever experienced- ‘Lust’ and ‘Vanillary’.

Separately, neither really sold me. Mixed together? Heaven.
This was a complete fluke- I was trying the two scents, and happened to put them on next to one another. After a few hours of being on my skin they had matured to form this really beautiful scent; floral and sweet and so potent that when I woke up the next morning I could still detect it on my skin! (That was the moment I decided I’d be going back and purchasing both of them.)

 ‘Vanillary’ doesn’t really do it for my on it’s own. It’s a little too plain. I mean, it smells nice- vanilla, as the name suggests, but it’s just not quite powerful enough for my liking.
However, mixed with the jasmine scent-orgasm that is ‘Lust’, it turns into some sort of wonder-potion.

I do really like ‘Lust’ on it’s own- I’m a massive fan of jasmine scents, but something about that touch of vanilla just makes it pop and brings it to a whole other level.
The only downside to Lust is that it does leave colour payoff on your skin when you apply it- something that doesn’t really happen with Vanillary (except a few specs of vanilla pod).
This isn’t a massive issue for the wrists, as you can just rub them together to let the oils sink in- but it does pose a little bit of a pain when you’re applying it to your neck- there’s just no easy way to avoid having a slightly pink neck after use, without excessive rubbing in, leaving your hands heavily scented too, which for me at least isn’t really a desirable outcome.

However, I must say, that and that alone is the only downside to these solid perfumes. As they’re from Lush we all know they’re animal cruelty free, they’re free of any nasty chemicals and are all organic. They’re also really affordable- the solid perfumes start at about £5 each, which for Lush is really cheap, and for a perfume? Incredible.
They’re small which is excellent for travelling or for throwing in your handbag before going out- and thanks to the lack-of-glass packaging I don’t panic that they’re gonna smash all over everything if I take them out with me.

Plus I’ve had mine for over a month, have been using them everyday (sometimes several times a day) and I’ve barely made a dent in them. Yay!

 Overall, Lush’s solid perfumes have thoroughly impressed me, and I’m excited to try other scents. And maybe even some of their other products I have before overlooked in favour of colourful bath bombs….

*Note: All photographs are my own. Please do not repost or copy without my permission.*

2013: A Recap.

This is the last photo I published to my blog in 2012.
A lot has happened in the months since then, and many moments were captured.

So… here’s my recap of 2013 in pictures…

January

I took my first 50 Week Photo, named “Steaming Mug Of Ice”.

Grant came to visit and we frolicked in the snow…

And I used a 5×4 camera for the first time.

*

February

We celebrated our 1 year anniversary…

And Dom got me some lovely presents…

… and the sun shone for the first time in months.

*

March

We played chess…

Pulled stupid faces…

And spent time with my little girl.

*

April

Grant and I went to see and met Derren Brown.

And sipped free champagne for his 21st!

Oh… and I turned myself into a puppet.

*

May

I dyed my hair orange…

Sweep wore a coat…

We laughed… ❤

Spent time with friends…

And I watched a lot of Dexter… 🙂

*

June

I started rereading all of Harry Potter… (In the bath… ahem)

Summertime started peaking out of hibernation…

I went to Download Festival for the first time…

Finally saw Slipknot live…

Plus Rammstein! (Among others)

And turned myself into an Elf!

*

July

We went to Oxford for my 21st!

Celebrated with Misty…

Tried Jason’s amazing cocktails…

Drank yet more free champagne with these rascals!

Jason, Tav and Grant. 🙂

We saw Cirque Du Soleil: Alegria in London…

I made my first piece of pottery!

And we sunbathed the month away!

*

August

I dyed my hair back to its natural colour for the first time in 5 years!

Dom and I went on our first holiday, and my first one in 7 years!

We went to Venice!

And we had an amazing time!

*

September

We went to Yorkshire and spent time with my “little” brother…

Plus Vladimir the Impaler!

My sister came to stay…

My laptop died right before term restarted…

So I got my first Mac!

Some friends came to Manchester…

And my precious little baby girl sadly lost her fight with cancer…

*

October

I got my new winter coat.

Found the first conkers of the season…

Developed a little obsession with them…

Got dressed up for the Manchester Zombie Walk…

And made brookies!

*

November

I got a surprise present from Dom!

Shot my photographs for the exhibition…

Got the seal of approval for my images from my tutor…

Went to bonfire night at the Alma…

Visited Alton Towers with friends and saw the fireworks!

*

December

I got my business cards…

Spent most of my time getting the exhibition together…

Put up my first Christmas tree in my own home…

Watched Elf with my friends…

Opened my first exhibition of my work…

Went drinking after the exhibition with my fellow photographers…

We had our first Christmas spent together!

And I got Christmas bow ties for all the animals!

I finally got Starbucks to call me “Gandalf”…

And we saw in the New Year in Reading with my lovely sister and her boyfriend.

*

2013 was an absolute whirlwind. Some incredible memories created, new friends made, and sadly some goodbyes too.

I want to wish all my beautiful followers a Happy New Year, and I sincerely hope you all have a great 2014.

❤

Christmas 2013!

Well, that’s Christmas day over for another year! Still got New Year’s Eve coming up, which I will be spending with my boyfriend at my sister’s new house. So we’ve still got some celebrations to be had!

This year I spent Christmas with my boyfriend for the first time- we’ve been together for almost two years now and have been living together for over a year, so it was awesome to spend Christmas day with him and his family. 

Exposure13 was a massive success- we had our opening night on the 12th December and we had such a good turn out, and many of the artists got a lot of attention and interest in their work- maybe even some print sales!

I’m relieved that the exhibition is now done, but there’s still a lot to get done before I graduate- only a few months left now. I will be working next year primarily on a magazine I am launching for the university, along with two dissertations. Next year will be a little crazy! I also need to start preparing for leaving uni- getting job applications out, CVs written and where I’m gonna live sorted. 

I will do a more comprehensive post before the New Year I think. I felt like I just needed to write a little something on here as I’ve been neglecting pretty much everything other than the exhibition for the last few months- which means my blog has gotten a little dusty, along with my Flickr page and my personal photography… which I need to sort out and pick back up as soon as I can. I want to finish my 52 week project but I feel it’s hardly worth it now that I’ve gone so long without posting… but hey I can just consider it a …. very long holiday? 😛

I hope you all had a lovely Christmas and have something awesome planned for the New Year!

xoxo