Fuck you, 2014. Rock on, 2015.

Late last night I sat down on my bed with a pen and paper, soft music playing in the background, and let my mind wander.
I reflected on the past year, much like I did in my previous blog post- identifying the problems I encountered, and highlighting the good parts. I then proceeded to write it all down. I wrote down the good parts, the bad parts, the parts I’d been repressing, the parts I’d been reliving. Once I was done, I also wrote down what I hoped for in 2015- what I wanted out of the year, out of myself, and what my wishes were for the coming months.
Once I was done writing this letter to myself, I closed the book. I plan on ripping those pages out without looking at them again, sealing them in an envelope and putting it away, not to be looked at again until January 2016, at which point I will repeat this process, but instead looking back on 2015.

I got this idea from my boyfriend’s mother, who writes this letter to herself every year, evaluating her year and planning for the next.
I found it very therapeutic to do this- to write down, by hand, thoughts that I know I won’t read again for a year. It will be interesting to read this letter in a year and see how my hopes panned out- to reflect and see what changed, what didn’t, what I achieved and what I failed in.
This is a practice that I would like to turn into tradition. Something I now do every year in early January, when the Christmas decorations have been boxed away and the last of the chocolate has been consumed.

One thing I wrote a few times in this letter, which I don’t mind sharing here, as I think I’d rather be reminded of this more regularly than just once a year- is that my biggest hope for 2015 is to be happy. I’m guilty of being one of those people who can tend to rely on others for my own contentedness. I’d like to learn to be happy in myself, without the outside influence of others. I’d like to be able to love myself, to trust myself and to be at peace with who I am as a person.
In order to do that, one of the biggest challenges this year for me, will be to identify what makes me tick- to work out what I want out of life, and to start working towards becoming the person I want to be.
I don’t think life is about finding yourself, I think it’s more about creating yourself. And I think I need to start doing that.

So, 2014 is concluded with the sealing of an envelope, and 2015 is started on a blank page. Time to doodle.

Fuck you, 2014. Rock on, 2015.

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My Grandfather.

My grandfather and I, aged about 18 months.

There were so many wonderful things about the man who was my grandfather. His sense of humour (a postcard sent to my father: “The weather is here, wish you were wonderful!”), his height (6’5, and he would behave like an overexcited child if he ever came home having met someone taller), his adoration and dedication to the many dogs he had over the years, and most importantly to me, the fact that I got to call him grandpa. There is so much to the complexity of his character, that in the wake of his passing, I am terrified I shall forget parts of him. So, in aid of my own memory retention, below are some of the things that I never, ever want to risk forgetting about my grandpa.

1. That when my father told him that I was on the way, he exclaimed “but I’m far too young to be a grandpa!”
2. That he would always indulge in my desire to ‘ride the tractor’ (which was actually a sit-down lawn mower) when I went to his house, for many hours on end.
3. That he took me to see my first ever theatre productions, including Cinderella and The Emperor’s Nightingale.
4. The way he pulled me to him on my 6th birthday and whispered that my birthday present was that I would learn to ride horses for as long as I still possessed that desire. He paid for me to learn from that day on, until I was 13, and an expert.
5. The way he would stand with his hands clasped behind his back.
6. That he would always describe his youngest dog as a ‘pest’- and that was how I learnt that word.
7. The grandfather clock he had in his home, that would chime every hour, and he would open up the body to show me the swinging pendulum.
8. The walks he would take me on along the canal with his dogs, and the picnics we’d eat out of the back of his Volvo.
9. The way his eyes sparkled when he smiled.
10. The way he would clatter his cutlery, stick his elbows on the table and smack his lips to make me laugh at the dinner table, and then act like a naughty child when his wife caught him out with a loud and disgusted shout of “JIM!”
11. That he was a champion high-jumper.
12. That he was promoted to Captain in the National Service at an unusually early age, and was an immensely talented Civil Engineer.
13. His Salford accent.
14. That he loved jigsaws.
15. That the only video he had in his house was Disney’s “The Fox and the Hound”, and that I would watch that every time I went to stay.
16. That he would take me to the fair when it came into town and let me ride everything I wanted.
17. That he would allow me to feed the dogs for him, leaving me feeling immensely proud and important.
18. That he tried, unsuccessfully unfortunately, over the years to spark an interest in bird watching for me, as he loved it so much.
19. The way he would always insist on calling me ‘Bun’, my childhood nickname, even into my early twenties.
20. The way he lent down to me on his last birthday, as we were all squashed under a gazebo having a picnic as it poured it down outside, and whispered so only I would hear, “What a daft way to spend my birthday, eh?” and winked.
21. The way his voice sounded the last time I ever spoke to him on the phone. Weak and croaky.
22. That he died on the 2nd October 2014 at the age of 84, with the dawn chorus just starting and the daylight just breaking.
23. That his coffin just seemed far too short for a man of his height. Until I reminded myself just how much he had withered in the months prior to his death.
24. That he was one of the funniest, gentlest and most caring souls anyone could have ever met. And that the church was packed to bursting to send him off, filled with people who all loved him just as much as I did.

I am so devastated to have lost the man who gave me the surname I bear, who helped to raise me, who was the only grandfather I ever knew. It is a small measure of comfort to know that he was adored by so many, and to know that he would have been so immensely happy to see his whole family and all his old friends gathered together to celebrate his life and his impact on ours. I will always miss the man named James “Jim” Harwood Trapp, my grandfather.

The “tractor”. About 4 years old.

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2013: Half-Way.

 

Well, now that it is a little over the half-way point in this year, I thought it was a good idea to maybe do a little life update and ‘review’ of the year so far, haha.
At the beginning of the year, I had a few resolutions. One of them was to be healthier. This has both worked and… not. 😛 I have been eating pretty well, but I’ve been slacking exercise wise. However, in September I plan on buying an exercise bike for the spare room. The reason for this is because it works out cheaper than going to the gym and paying a membership fee. Plus, I can work out anytime I want, three times a day if I wish. I will have the motivation necessary knowing I don’t have to put any effort in to get to my exercise location, haha.

Another resolution was to have a night a week where I had a technology free night, with no phone, no laptop and no TV. This has not worked in the slightest. I haven’t had even one of these nights. 😛
However, the aim of this night a week was to force me into doing something creative more often, like spending time just me and my camera, or a notepad for poetry or crafts, or even just reading; and I’ve done these things.
Even without the aid of an evening a week, I’ve managed to do all these things anyway. Since out of university for summer I’ve written a bunch of poems in my spare time (something I never do unless it’s for my course), and I’ve been doing my weekly photo project, which has had me working on my photography regularly too. I’ve also been reading a lot more. I absolutely love reading; it’s one of my favourite things to do, but I found that in the last year or two at university, I’ve just not been making time for it. Any spare time I had, I wasn’t spending it reading. I’ve really changed that. Since the beginning of the year I’ve read seven or eight books in total. Which, considering in the whole of last year I read maybe half of three separate books, and none the whole way through, I thought was pretty good going.
I’ve also been doing crafty things, and really enjoying them! I finally finished customising a denim jacket I started on last year and then forgot about, and now it looks awesome! I also went to Art in Action this month, which is an art festival with workshops down south. There I made a clay Green Man mask and it looks amazing. I’m really proud of it as I’ve never really done any clay molding before then!

My final resolution was to DO things more. Last summer, I spent most of it doing… nothing. We had so many plans and so many things we wanted to do, but we found that money limitations and weather really restricted what we could do. This summer, I wanted to do ALL of the things I had planned. And I’ve definitely been busy!
We kicked off the summer by redecorating our house. Its just a student house, but it’s also somewhere we have to live in for two years, and I wanted it to be somewhere I enjoyed being. So we completely revamped everything, and now it looks awesome!
After that, we went to Download Festival! And boy, can I tell you… it was INCREDIBLE. I finally got to see Slipknot play live after wanting to for over ten years, so that was a dream come true. Plus all the other bands I saw were amazing. It was such an incredible experience, despite the torrential rain and the very unreliable tent. I met awesome people and generally had an awesome time!

These last two weeks I’ve spent with my family down south for my 21^st, which was really awesome. We went to see Cirque du Soliel: Allergria in London, something else I’ve been wanting to do for over a decade and I finally did! I also got to spend some time with my nieces who are adorable and I don’t get to see often now that I’m living so far away.
It was lovely to spend time with everyone and I had such a blast the whole time.

Next week we are going to Venice for a few days courtesy of Dom’s parents for his 21^st, which is incredible and I am so excited for! This will be the first time I’ve been out of the country in seven years, so I am really really looking forward to it! Plus I’ve ALWAYS wanted to go to Venice. We’re going for three days which will be really awesome! I may even manage to get a tan for once!

We are also planning a trip to Wales at some point in August for a long weekend to see Dom’s old hometown and his friends and stuff- something else we wanted to do last summer but couldn’t in the end. So that should be awesome if we can sort that out! I also plan on going to see my friends and family in Yorkshire in August and have a belated celebration for my little brother’s 16^th birthday which is tomorrow!
To finish off the summer, we are planning a big house party right before we start back at uni for our final year, which should be amazing if we can pull it all together in time!

Overall, I think I’ve done really well in my maintaining of resolutions! And I’ve had the best summer so far! I passed my second year with a 2:1 and I’m looking forward to my final year as a student! I think it may be the best yet!

Overall, this year has been great so far! I feel like a lot of stresses and toxic negativity has been lifted from our lives from last year, and that this year has overall just been better! Here’s hoping the second half is just as good! ❤

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