Blogging in 2014

Well, another year is almost over. And as everyone in the history of ever has pointed out at the end of every year, this one went rather fast. The year certainly did seem to fly by, with the months quickly bleeding into each other and the hours becoming seconds.

But this year has been a big one for me, both emotionally and physically draining, with some of my biggest challenges and achievements yet. This year I completed two dissertations, and therefore my degree, and I graduated from education, and left to my own devices with what is essentially a glorified and very expensive piece of paper. (Pretty scary stuff, I gotta say).
I also moved from my student home into the city of Manchester, and became a business owner. Again, pretty scary stuff.
Although this year has contained some great highlights, it’s had a lot of darkness. And I think that has reflected in my neglecting of this blog.

I looked through my posts from this year and noticed I only wrote 7 blog posts since the beginning of the year (excluding this one), while in 2013 I wrote 17. That, I think, shows the difference between the two years for me. This year has been a real struggle, despite the highlights. It’s been emotional and yet also emotionless, with the year passing in such a blur that now it almost feels as if it never happened.

What I’m hoping for, is that next year will be better. That my mental health will improve, and by extension my physical and emotional health. I want to achieve more and aim higher, and most of all I want to be happier.
2014, for all its triumphs, also had crippling lows; days where I struggled to even find the strength to get out of bed, and sometimes I couldn’t even find that. Overall, I don’t see 2014 as a good year, though I was lucky enough to have met some amazing people, who are now friends for life and made some wonderful memories with them.

2015 is a new start. I’m looking forward to what’s next. And to getting back to posting blog posts more regularly, as well as uploading my photographs more regularly to my Flickr, rather than letting them build up in queues waiting to be published.
Next year should kick-start a new chapter of my life, and I’m hoping for a positive one.

I hope everyone out there had a very Merry Christmas and will have a very Happy New Year, and to those of you who didn’t, or for those who find the festive season difficult, then I hope you stay strong and that you can find some happiness and peace during the coming days and weeks.
Hold in there, you’re not alone, and it will get better. I promise. ❤

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My Grandfather.

My grandfather and I, aged about 18 months.

There were so many wonderful things about the man who was my grandfather. His sense of humour (a postcard sent to my father: “The weather is here, wish you were wonderful!”), his height (6’5, and he would behave like an overexcited child if he ever came home having met someone taller), his adoration and dedication to the many dogs he had over the years, and most importantly to me, the fact that I got to call him grandpa. There is so much to the complexity of his character, that in the wake of his passing, I am terrified I shall forget parts of him. So, in aid of my own memory retention, below are some of the things that I never, ever want to risk forgetting about my grandpa.

1. That when my father told him that I was on the way, he exclaimed “but I’m far too young to be a grandpa!”
2. That he would always indulge in my desire to ‘ride the tractor’ (which was actually a sit-down lawn mower) when I went to his house, for many hours on end.
3. That he took me to see my first ever theatre productions, including Cinderella and The Emperor’s Nightingale.
4. The way he pulled me to him on my 6th birthday and whispered that my birthday present was that I would learn to ride horses for as long as I still possessed that desire. He paid for me to learn from that day on, until I was 13, and an expert.
5. The way he would stand with his hands clasped behind his back.
6. That he would always describe his youngest dog as a ‘pest’- and that was how I learnt that word.
7. The grandfather clock he had in his home, that would chime every hour, and he would open up the body to show me the swinging pendulum.
8. The walks he would take me on along the canal with his dogs, and the picnics we’d eat out of the back of his Volvo.
9. The way his eyes sparkled when he smiled.
10. The way he would clatter his cutlery, stick his elbows on the table and smack his lips to make me laugh at the dinner table, and then act like a naughty child when his wife caught him out with a loud and disgusted shout of “JIM!”
11. That he was a champion high-jumper.
12. That he was promoted to Captain in the National Service at an unusually early age, and was an immensely talented Civil Engineer.
13. His Salford accent.
14. That he loved jigsaws.
15. That the only video he had in his house was Disney’s “The Fox and the Hound”, and that I would watch that every time I went to stay.
16. That he would take me to the fair when it came into town and let me ride everything I wanted.
17. That he would allow me to feed the dogs for him, leaving me feeling immensely proud and important.
18. That he tried, unsuccessfully unfortunately, over the years to spark an interest in bird watching for me, as he loved it so much.
19. The way he would always insist on calling me ‘Bun’, my childhood nickname, even into my early twenties.
20. The way he lent down to me on his last birthday, as we were all squashed under a gazebo having a picnic as it poured it down outside, and whispered so only I would hear, “What a daft way to spend my birthday, eh?” and winked.
21. The way his voice sounded the last time I ever spoke to him on the phone. Weak and croaky.
22. That he died on the 2nd October 2014 at the age of 84, with the dawn chorus just starting and the daylight just breaking.
23. That his coffin just seemed far too short for a man of his height. Until I reminded myself just how much he had withered in the months prior to his death.
24. That he was one of the funniest, gentlest and most caring souls anyone could have ever met. And that the church was packed to bursting to send him off, filled with people who all loved him just as much as I did.

I am so devastated to have lost the man who gave me the surname I bear, who helped to raise me, who was the only grandfather I ever knew. It is a small measure of comfort to know that he was adored by so many, and to know that he would have been so immensely happy to see his whole family and all his old friends gathered together to celebrate his life and his impact on ours. I will always miss the man named James “Jim” Harwood Trapp, my grandfather.

The “tractor”. About 4 years old.

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Robin Williams.

“You’re only given a little spark of madness, you mustn’t lost it.”

The news of Robin Williams’ death has hit me harder than any other celebrity death ever, I think. I’ve never been so devastated to hear about the death of someone I never met. It’s like the entire world has collectively lost their favourite uncle. 

To hear that he had been struggling with severe depression and the cause of death is a possible suicide is heartbreaking. To know that someone so beloved struggled so much, and so quietly is especially harrowing, to me.
In the words of YouTuber Jack Howard: “The name is immortal, the man was not.”

Hearing this news has hit home quite hard for me. I’ve been struggling with depression myself over the course of this last year and the end of 2013. This week (and oddly, yesterday in particular) have been especially low days. And though I’m not suicidal (far from it) I have been in the past. Knowing that someone else, ANYONE else is going through such horrific feelings is very distressing to me, as I’m sure it is to everyone reading this. 

I was thinking last night about all the other people who could have died last night, who would have been suffering with the same problems, dealing with the same conditions. That made me very sad, to think of all these people, suffering so quietly, and not being remembered. 

If anything comes from this, I hope that it is an increased awareness and understanding of mental illness. Because that’s what depression is; it is an illness. It is not something that can be switched off, or that the sufferer can ‘snap out of’. It is not attention seeking, it is not just having a sad moment. It is a dark, difficult and often dangerous state of mind that requires understanding and treatment, not stigma and prejudice. 

If anyone reading this is struggling, I truly hope that you feel better soon. Here are a few places you can go for help, if you or someone else you know needs it:

Samaritans Suicide Hotline (UK) : 08457 90 90 90
International Suicide Hotlines
Dealing With Depression

Robin, thank you for enriching so many peoples’ childhoods and for making so many people laugh, and thank you for teaching so many kids how to fly. Bangarang. 

“I used to think the worst thing in life was to end up all alone. It’s not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel all alone.”

– Robin Williams, 1951 – 2014. 

 

 

 

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Well, it’s been a while…

5 months to be exact!

I’ve certainly been a little rubbish in the upkeep of this blog! I think it became one of those things where it had been so long since I wrote something, that I found it a little too easy to keep putting it off as it had already been so long anyway.

So, sorry about that, dear readers. I will certainly be making a much better effort to be updating this regularly- I miss blogging!

Well, since I last wrote a post, quite a lot has happened! In the time I’ve been gone, I’ve completed my degree, graduated and moved out of my student house and into Manchester. So, in my very weak defence, I have been busy!

I think this post is lacking in some colour, so let’s throw in some photos of the above events. Let’s start with mine and my boyfriend’s graduation!

Dom’s graduation!

My graduation with my nutcase of a sister and brother in law!

My graduation! (This isn’t my ‘final’ professional photo by the way- just one my boyfriend took as I was posing!

So, that was a pretty big thing! A few other big things happened in the time that I’ve not blogged for (turning 22, meeting one of my best friends for the first time in seven years!) but I think I will leave some of that for the next post! (Let’s not dry up all my subjects too quickly!)

Oh, and for anyone who may be wondering, I graduated with a very high 2:1 (as in, a few points from a 1st) in Photography and Creative Writing. 🙂

Well, that’s it for now! Just a quick little update! It’s good to be back!

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